The Enya Christmas Album: A Review

Shalom Christmas Fans -

It's known throughout the land that I have the worst musical taste. I
know. It causes me great pain and suffering. Imagine having hip/cool
friends who could, at any minute, discover that you are a raging dork.
And not the new style so-dorky-it's-cool dork. I'm talking old school
punishable-by-public-humiliation dorkiness. You remember that, right?
When your hott, sexy peers would de-pants you in gym class? No? Um… me either. But it could have happened, had I not worked on my dazzling personality.

Yesterday, I was at Target strolling down the aisles really feeling
the Christmas spirit. It's amazing how it can just take me over. I
barely noticed the disgusting manners of my fellow shoppers and the
wretched condition of the store. Quick question: is it appropriate for
a person to try on hats? I'm going with no. Some of you may disagree,
but COME ON. Peep this: a lady, one level above 'bag' status, was
blocking the aisle trying on winter hat after winter hat. What's that
about? It's a hat. Grab the one you like the best – it should fit.
It's a knit hat. What are the chances of your noggin being that much
bigger or smaller than the average consumer's? Whatever. It just
grossed me out. I don't think people should do that, especially if
their hair looks like a preserve for orphaned owls. That's why I
muther fuckin knit, y'all. Take back the night!

I admit it: I was filled with holiday cheer. I browsed through all the
sections, thinking of my great life and my great family and friends.
Would Michael enjoy a Cajun themed apron that says 'I'm a spicy dish.'
Would he get it? And if he did, would he shake his head and say 'Too
soon, Jay, it's just too soon.' Would it be bad to pair the apron with
the Harry Connick, Jr. Christmas album? Only one way to find out. Off
to the Shitty Christmas Music End-Cap™!

I made my way over to the Shitty Christmas Music End-Cap™ (please note that Shitty Christmas Music End-Cap™ is trademarked and owned solely by the Target Corporation. I was granted permission to use the name.) Let's see… Kenny G's Christmas hits. Lionel Richie. Enya. Tina Turner. There it is: Harry Connick. Wait a second! Whoa whoa whoa. Enya! More specifically: NBC Sounds of the Season: The Enya Collection… 6 Holiday Songs, Featuring 4 New recordings. $6.99. I mean: are you fucking kidding me? SOLD!

Oh, Enya. You remember Enya, right? Big in the early 90s? Lots of jams
off of 'Watermark' and 'Shepard Moons'? Maybe you remember, maybe you don't – but I sure as hell do. I muther grubbin' LOVED Enya. She sounds like the ocean. She's so ambient and melodic. I used to go to sleep to her every night, and it really got to the point where I would hear one of her tunes and no matter where I was I would need to find a place to snooze STAT. I actually had a friend tell me that she listened to Enya when she was driving because it relaxed her. To which I responded: RELAXED YOU? YEAH, NO SHIT. ENYA MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS. DO NOT OPERATE HEAVY MACHINARY ON ENYA. That shit should come with a warning. In the case of vehicular manslaughter, any judge would tell you that driving under the influence of Enya is reckless and
punishable by law.

I returned home after a lovely day of shopping and riding public
transportation. Many of you know that I am a public transportation
aficionado and find it endlessly fascinating. The amount of theater
that occurs on the bus is incredible. It's even better than 'theatre'
because it's real. This particular bus ride was teeming with
characters. Honorable mention for most uniquely channeling the bizarre
was a homeless man in a wheelchair who had a dirty old tuba and kept
asking me if I would like him to play anything. At first, I avoided
responding, but then thought: OK, now that's just rude. It's
Christmas. You have a home, a new Enya CD, and a new apron that says: 'I'm a spicy dish.' (I decided to keep it for myself.) Go ahead. Tell the man to play a tune. I ask him to the play 'Hark the Herald.'

His response:
'I DON'T KNOW THAT MUTHA FUCKIN SONG! HOW I'M 'SPOSED TO
KNOW THAT MUTHA FUCKIN SONG! YOU THINK I'M A JUKE BOX? DAMN. I ONLY KNOW TWO MUTHA FUCKIN SONGS!'

Oh. Woops. Faux pas. 'Sorry,' I say. But that begs the question: if you only know two songs, why would you ask someone what they want to hear? If you consider all of the songs in the world, getting it down to the two this guys knows seems like quite an impossible task. The point is: after he spazzed, I explored my finger nails for the remainder of the trip, sneaking furtive glances at that tuba. How did it ever get into the hands of this lunatic? Speak to me tuba, share your story!

By the time I walked in the door, I was shopped out and ready to be
soothed. I removed the cellophane, opened the case, and popped that
shiny disk in. Much to my surprise… the CD is terrible. I know! I was
just as shocked as you are! Enya has such an amazing voice – you think
she could make any Christmas song come to life. Not the case! She
destroys 'Adeste Fideles' (and not in a good way.) And I don't even
know these songs: 'The Magic of the Night,' 'Christmas Secrets,' and
'Amid the Falling Snow.' There's nothing wrong with penning your own
Christmas tune, but these songs suck so huge. Sample lyrics from
'Christmas Secrets': "Who shall I tell my secrets to/Christmas bells
ring out their chimes/I hear them echo through my mind/moonlight shows up on the road/and trembles on the fallen snow?" WOW. See what I mean? Enya's version of 'We Wish You a Merry Christmas' is so bad it's almost good. It's a tough call, but listening to Enya earnestly warble
"We all want some figgy pudding, we all want some figgy pudding, so
bring some right here" is kind of funny. Especially when you take into
consideration the background of floaty music and weird choral
ah-ah-ahs. The only song she kind of pulls through is 'Oiche Chuiun
(Silent Night).' But that's not a compliment. You'd have to be a new
kind of terrible to not be able to pull of 'Silent Night.'

Needless to say, I am disappointed that my Enya purchase was not the
gem I thought it was going to be. I am actually currently listening to
the CD to see if it might grow on me. It has not, so far, grown on me,
and were it not for my deep anger at having bought a turd, I would
probably be asleep. Enya's still got it! The woman's voice is Ambien.

To all my friends – Merry Christmas! Know that the Jewel Christmas
album is still my number one! What could beat 'Hands (Christmas
Version)'?

Be safe and happy!
Steig

Vanity Fair And Christopher Hitchens Explain Why Women Aren't Funny

To all the ladies that I thought were funny* -

* I was, by the way, wrong.

It is a well known fact that ladies are not and cannot be funny. Period. But did you ever think about why?

No? That's not a surprise. You are a woman, after all.

Thankfully, Christopher Hitchens has broken down this phenomenon in his well-researched thesis: "Why Women Aren't Funny?" (Vanity Fair, January 2007.)

Click the link.
Vanity Fair: "Why Women Aren't Funny?"

Ladies – if you don't have time to read the article, you can do one of two things.

1. Have a gentleman with good wit and timing explain it to you. You know… even though he has a paunch and is slightly balding, that Daniel sure is funny! I didn't know football could be so hilarious!

2. Read the following bullet points lifted from the article.

Hitchen's thesis: "Why are men, taken on average and as a whole, funnier than women? Well, for one thing, they had damn well better be. The chief task in life that a man has to perform is that of impressing the opposite sex… Women have no corresponding need to appeal to men in this way."

Hitchens references a study from Stanford regarding the unfunniness of 52% of the population: "Slower to get it, more pleased when they do, and swift to locate the unfunny—for this we need the Stanford University School of Medicine? And remember, this is women when confronted with humor. Is it any wonder that they are backward in generating it?"

Hitchens acquiesces that some (insufferably unattractive women) can be funny: "In any case, my argument doesn't say that there are no decent women comedians. There are more terrible female comedians than there are terrible male comedians, but there are some impressive ladies out there. Most of them, though, when you come to review the situation, are hefty or dykey or Jewish, or some combo of the three. "

Women are afraid of turning off men: "Precisely because humor is a sign of intelligence (and many women believe, or were taught by their mothers, that they become threatening to men if they appear too bright), it could be that in some way men do not want women to be funny. They want them as an audience, not as rivals."

All women are very pleasant and smell like cookies: "Whereas women, bless their tender hearts, would prefer that life be fair, and even sweet, rather than the sordid mess it actually is. Jokes about calamitous visits to the doctor or the shrink or the bathroom, or the venting of sexual frustration on furry domestic animals, are a male province."

Women have internal genitalia which primary purpose is to support the seed of man: "For women, reproduction is, if not the only thing, certainly the main thing. Apart from giving them a very different attitude to filth and embarrassment, it also imbues them with the kind of seriousness and solemnity at which men can only goggle."

Hitchens cites bombastic fucktard Rudyard Kipling as an expert. Source material: "The Female of the Species."

Men wish they had to the power to shit out a baby and women have no time for frivolity (what with all the producing of life and whatnot.): "Men are overawed, not to say terrified, by the ability of women to produce babies. In other words, for women the question of funniness is essentially a secondary one. They are innately aware of a higher calling that is no laughing matter."

Hitchens cites Oscar Wilde for his hilarious, yet faggy, bon mot: "Oscar Wilde was the only person ever to make a decent joke about the death of an infant, and that infant was fictional, and Wilde was (although twice a father) a queer."

That certainly explains it.

I am saddened, however, that he didn't explore the fact that women are HILARIOUS when they are being played by men. Ha! The sexual shenanigans that ensue will leave you tickled pink. You might recall Big Momma's House, Big Momma's House 2, White Chicks, Mrs. Doubtfire, Tootsie, etc. Wasn't it Rudyard Kipling who said: "The only thing funnier than a big, fat, black woman is a MAN – playing a big, fat, black woman."

So, now that you've read the article, you can stop wondering why women aren't funny. We just simply aren't! It's a little bit of nature (lady plumbing) and a little bit of nurture (sublimation of point of view to appear more desirable to men.) The point is, Ladies, that you should stop trying to be funny. You're just not! Men will like you for your other qualities, like your shiny blonde hair, your bobbed nose, your sweet pert tits, and your gorgeous trim body. You're fighting a losing battle… unless you're a fat, lesbian Jew. (Good luck with that, Naomi!) I agree with Christopher Hitchens all the way! (Although I would like to add blacks and Italians to the list of ethnic stereotypes that are fuckin hilarious.) What's the point of a good sense of humor anyway? Once you land your man, you'll just be thinking about how to grow a tiny person between your hip bones! What's the point of staying up on current events, finding things interesting, and wanting to communicate your ideas to your fella? The baby oven is on, girls! He's just jealous he can't cook.

Hopefully things have been cleared up today. Hopefully you now know the reason behind the age old question - why aren't women funny. Women aren't funny because they are… women. Think about it. I haven't.

I'm Not Dead

It's been a long time, brothers and sisters. I have missed you. Merry Christmas!

Almost Done: Questions 20 - 22

Almost done... more survey...

20. You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again?

A half-hour? Hardly seems worth it, but whatevs. Does that make me a sad person? Is that glass-half-empty behavior? I think it is, so I guess I’ll just answer. I guess I wouldn’t want to do anything complicated or too nostalgic, cuz it’s only a half-hour and that shit can fuck you up. So I’ll just go with being underwater. Take me back to the Red Sea. Let me hang out with the fish and the dolphins again. Let me feel the water all over my skin and in my hair. Hey, and since it’s only a half-hour, I don’t have to wear sunscreen! Yeah right, who am I kidding? I HAVE to wear sunscreen.



21. You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be? (the answer "nothing" doesn't count).

I would erase… hm. Almost tempted to answer this like a normal, mature person. Good thing common sense took over…



22. You got kicked out of the country for being a time-traveling heathen who sleeps with celebrities and has super-powers. But check out this cool shit... you can move to anywhere else in the world! Bitchin'! What country are you going to live in now?

Bitchin’? I used to love that word in sixth grade. Remember ‘Just One of The Guys?’ S/he’s got that line of dialogue about how s/he hates girls who say bitchin’. Why I remember that and not the quadratic equation is an enigma that causes me great pain. What country would I live in? Holland.

The Survey Continues And I Potty Mouth My Way Through Question 19

The survey continues...

19. You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what's even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What's it gonna be?

The truth comes out: I pose as a liberal intellectual who, for all practical purposes, should be above frivolity. This, friends, is a carefully calculated ruse. I am, in fact, base and my needs and wants are embarrassingly material. That radioactive celery turned me into Super Fuckin Hott Woman. What’s my super power? Dude, I’m Super Fuckin Hott Woman… can’t you read? I don’t need lasers to burn holes in the hearts of men! That’s what my great rack and gams are for! And I don’t need a harpoon to pierce the hearts of prospective beaus! That’s what my deep and fiery eyes are for. But, for all my powers, I do have one weakness, like Superman has his kryptonite. Yes, the only way to take power from Super Fuckin Hott Woman is to beg for a pity fuck. “Can’t say no… used to be on the other side… poor fugly, unlovable baby….” The good news is, few people know about this weakness. The bad news is, that my nemesis Self Righteous Do-Gooder Man knows all about this trick. My plans are constantly being foiled, and my capes are constantly being soiled. I said that not only because it’s totally disgusting, but because it organically rhymed, as if the Lord placed it here upon the page as a present to me and you. Thanks God. Thank you for helping me be a smarmy, disgusting jerk.

The Survey Continues: I Answer Questions 16 -18

Last week, I was tagged with a survey. I know that I have been an absentee blogger and this is old shit, but I figure: why not finish? I can only think of reasons to finish – namely that Eileen is hott shit and I want her to like me. Plus, maybe I can debunk myths, or reinforce what you think of me. Either way, we all get hurt… and that’s fun, right?


16. One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren't really doing anything; they're just standing around your bed. What do you do?

I don’t give a shit if they’re not fucking doing anything… they’re MUMMIES! I grab a flamethrower and torch their soulless-undead-bandaged-asses back to hell. Then I grab my teddy bear, turn on the Tori, and try to go back to sleep. I’m tough… but I’m also really sweet.



17. Your house is on fire, holy shit! You have just enough time to run in there and grab ONE inanimate object. Don't worry, your loved ones and pets have already made it out safely. So what's the item?

I run inside for my copy of ‘The Outsiders.’ In an ironic twist, a beam falls and I get caught in the blazes for a second time. This time a hot fireman has to rescue me. I’m so badly burned and disfigured, I yell at him for his less-than-perfect timing. Ten minutes sooner, and I would still have hair. Ten minutes later, I would be getting my 72 virgins in heaven. The nice fireman’s name is Curtis (a name I loathe, but I don’t tell him that) and he and I become friends as I lie-in-wait for my skin transplant. Curtis reads aloud to me from ‘The Outsiders’ – yes, the book survived the fire. I shudder when he reads the part where Ponyboy and Johnny save all those kids from that fire. It occurs to me there are similarities to my story. Johnny died a hero – would I be remembered the same way? I ask Curtis for more scotch, and he obliges. There’s no liquor in my ward, but Curtis knows how to break a rule or two. I guess the moral of this story is that you never know where you’re going to find true love; once you stop looking for it… it finds you.



18. The Angel of Death has descended upon you. Fortunately, the Angel of Death is pretty cool and in a good mood, and it offers you a half-hour to do whatever you want before you bite it. Whatcha gonna do in that half-hour?

I would rush quickly through my apartment and throw away anything I think would be embarrassing or incriminating. Then I spot clean – I don’t have enough time for a big clean, but I want to make sure the toilet’s sparkling and my bed’s made. Look, you’ve never met my mom. These things will save me from eternal judgment.

Clay Aiken Isn't Gay And Can't Possibly Imagine Why People Would Think That

According to The New York Daily News:

"Clay Aiken danced around the Big Question when he visited 'American Idol' pal and 'Hairspray' star Diana DeGarmo backstage Tuesday. Asked his thoughts about Elton John's warning that he's bound to face questions about his sexuality, Aiken told us: 'I have no idea what you're talking about,' before whisking away his mom, grandma and aunts."

Click the link.
The New York Daily News

Crazy Southern Lunatic Wants 'Harry Potter' Ban

Stuff like this drives me fucking crazy. It’s like – seriously? What happened to your small government? You really want to get all up in what people read? You want to ban Shakespeare? Come on, dude – stop, drop, and roll. Everyone knows that witchcraft, while awesome, is nothing like it’s portrayed in the books and movies. In real life it’s all about candle making, sitting in a room with overweight spinsters who have too many cats, and invoking the healing powers of the four corners: water, fire, air, and earth. (All my knowledge of witchcraft was extracted from the movie The Craft.) Yeah, in Harry Potter cars fucking fly. In real-life Wicca, you tie clippings of your lover’s hair in knots, put it in an envelop, light it on fire, and pray for better sex. See the difference? No? Fine. Ban the book. I hate you.

According to MSNBC:

"A suburban county that sparked a public outcry when its libraries temporarily eliminated funding for Spanish-language fiction is now being asked to ban Harry Potter books from its schools.

Laura Mallory, a mother of four, told a hearing officer for the Gwinnett County Board of Education on Tuesday that the popular fiction series is an 'evil' attempt to indoctrinate children in the Wicca religion.

Board of Education attorney Victoria Sweeny said that if schools were to remove all books containing reference to witches, they would have to ban 'Macbeth' and 'Cinderella.'"

Click the link.
MSNBC

Beautiful And Talented Maggie Gyllenhaal Gives Brith

The name’s a little suspicious, but I love Maggie Gyllenhaal and I am wiling to forgive…

According to Life Style Extra:

"The actress and her actor fiancé Peter Sarsgaard's first child was born in a New York hospital on Tuesday afternoon (03.10.06).

Maggie's spokeswoman, Amanda Silverman, said: 'Everyone is healthy and happy.'

The couple have named their new arrival Ramona.

Maggie - who has made over 20 films despite being only 28-years-old - and Peter have been together four years."

Click the link.
Life Style Extra

Vince Vaughn And Jennifer Aniston Are No Mas

According to SMH.com:

"Gossip magazine Us Weekly has announced that Vince Vaughn has dumped his Break Up co-star Jennifer Aniston."

Click the link.
SMH.com

Tori Spelling's Egg Was Fertilized By Husband's Seed

Tori Spelling is pregnant. Snooze. This may have been interesting 10 years ago. Would have loved to see the writers of 90210 plot this into a series arc: Donna Martin loses her virginity, immediately gets saddled with fetus. Happened to Andrea (ON-dree-ah), did it not? Girls, you must be careful when you pop your cork. First timers always get pregnant with AIDS babies. That’s just science.

By the way, I am addicted to Shadenfreude; I need it like Courtney Love needs to cook her breakfast in a spoon. (I love you Courtney.) Don’t you love the part of this where it says that Tori and her husband met on a TV Movie. I know… it makes me giggle, too. I actually spent an entire afternoon, once, watching ‘Lifetime’ and saw a Tori Spelling movie where she played a virginal student turned druggie whore. It would be redundant to say it was awesome. That movie came on right after “I Woke Up Preg.” Yes, that was the name of the movie. And, unbelievably, that was the premise of the movie. Ladies – don’t go under the gas at the dentist: you, too, could wake up preg.

According to This Is London:

"The daughter of television titan Aaron Spelling is starting her own dynasty.

Former Beverly Hills 90210 star Tori Spelling is expecting her first child, five months after marrying her second husband, Canadian actor Dean McDermott.

Spelling, 33, is 14 weeks pregnant, according to American sources, and she and her husband are planning a big family.

'They're so excited,' a friend of the couple told People magazine. 'They're so happy.'

Spelling and McDermott, 39, met in Canada last summer when they made a televison film together."

Click the link.
This Is London

Santa Madgedonna Might Adopt Totally Poor And Disease Riddled Baby Boy

According to MTV UK:

Government officials in Malawi haved claimed that Madonna is set to adopt a child from the country.

The singer is currently over there working on her 'Raising Malawi' project - an initiative which aims to set up a care, shelter and education for orphaned children.

A spokesperson from the Ministry for Gender and Child Welfare told reporters, 'She told us she is looking for a baby boy. Her team have identified a few but the choice is hers. After her husband and her have filled in the papers, we'll allow them to take him away.'

However, Madge's publicist, Liz Rosenberg, has (sort of) denied reports, 'I have no information or confirmation regarding her adopting an individual child. She's kind of adopting an entire country of children.'"

Click the link.
MTV UK

Get Your Chicago Ghost Swerve On

I love me some haintings. (For those of you from civilized parts of America, a hainting is the same as a haunting.)

MSN published a list of the top haunted place in the country, and followed up with a Chicago specific list. I call bullshit on some of these sites (I used to live 8 ft from the St. Valentine’s Day Massacre site, and the only thing that indicated it was haunted was the tourist snapping photos of the old people’s home that now stands there.) But whatevs, I love lists and haunted things. I’ll apply words from a shrinky-dink my friend used to go to: love the list you have; don’t find fault because it’s not the list you want it to be. Hm. That’s good advice. Maybe I should apply that to relationships?

Here’s a list of Chicago’s most hainted sites, according to MSN:

Biograph Theatre
2433 N Lincoln Ave, Chicago, IL
Folklore says that John Dillinger's ghost still runs through the alley where FBI agents killed the notorious bank robber.

Congress Plaza Hotel
520 S Michigan Ave, Chicago, IL
Some say that the spirits of numerous guests of this historic hotel still roam the halls at odd hours.

Graceland Cemetery & Chapel
4001 N Clark St, Chicago, IL
One legend reports that a life-sized statue memorializing 6-year-old Inez Clark disappears to roam the graveyard during storms.

Harpo Inc.
1058 W Washington Blvd, Chicago, IL
Ghosts supposedly visit this former armory, used as a morgue after the 1915 Eastland disaster.

The Red Lion Pub
2446 Lincoln Ave, Chicago, IL
Legend has it that this pub has more than the living to thank: Locals say they often hear ghostly noises.

Bachelor's Grove
143rd St and Midlothian Tpke, Midlothian, IL
This inactive cemetery near the Chicago suburb of Midlothian is thought to be one of Illinois' most haunted places.

Site of the St. Valentine's Day Massacre
2122 N Clark St, Chicago, IL
People have reported hearing strange noises like distant screams as they walk past this infamous North Side site.

Resurrection Cemetery
7201 Archer Rd, Justice, IL
Resurrection Mary, a blonde killed while hitchhiking on Archer Avenue in the '30s, is said to still haunt the area.

Click the link.
MSN

Guess Who's Back In The Mutha Fuckin House, With A Fat Dick For Your Mutha Fuckin Mouth? *

* That's lifted from the great poet Snoop Dogg.

Shalom F.O.T.s (Friends of Trixter)!

It’s been a while. I apologize for my absence. I have felt your hot tears on my skin and I know I owe you an apology. I’m like your dad, who went out for cigarettes twenty years ago and never came back. I never wanted to be that person to you, baby. I always wanted you to trust in me to be there for you. Unfortunately, as your mom used to say: things have sucked big dick lately.

By the way – between the dead-beat dad and your mom’s whore mouth, I’m pretty shocked by your family. I’m glad that you have risen above your roots and have become the well spoken sophisticate I know and love. Cuz, seriously – your family is trashy.

I hope to go back to the way things were – on all levels, literally and figuratively. But, I’m no fool, and I know we can’t go back. Gone are the days where I would gleefully cheer at every celebrity nipple slip. I will try to get back into it – but my heart’s not in it. Oh, Blowhan – I call on you to be my muse. I call on you to do thirty grams of coke, show your botched boob job while falling over, shattering your clavicle, all the while screaming in that hooker-hoarse voice of yours: “I’m clean and sober, bitches! It’s like, yeah, mutha fucker – I’m FINE!”

Please, Blow. Do that for me. I would be forever grateful to you for helping me heal.

Questions 12 Through 15: Yes, My Favorite Curse Word Is Douche Bag

12. Rufus appears out of nowhere with a time-traveling phone booth. You can go anytime in the PAST. What time are you traveling to and what are you going to do when you get there?

London. Jack the Ripper times. I solve the hell out of the case.



13. You discover a beautiful island upon which you may build your own society. You make the rules. What is the first rule you put into place?

I was going to say: ‘Listen.’ But that’s not really a rule, it’s more of a common courtesy. I guess: ‘Pick up after yourself.’



14. You have been given the opportunity to create the half-hour TV show of your own design. What is it called and what's the premise?

'The Happy Fun Time Disney World Land Jamboree Good Time Friendship Hour.’ It’s a ripped from the headlines crime drama and the main character is Harriet Tubman. It’s animated.



15. What is your favorite curse word?

Douche bag.

The 'Tag' Questionnaire Continues: 9 Through 11

You may remember the I got tagged with a questionnaire. Well, if you know anything about me, you know that I am nothing if I am not a sport, so I am playing along slowly but surely. And the list goes on...

9. You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?

NYC.



10. Upon arrival to the aforementioned location, you get off the plane and discover another hundred-dollar bill. Shit! Now that you are in the new location, what are you gonna do?

I’d wrap that bill around the outside of all my small bills and just flash the cash whenever it was necessary to impress. I’d probably also overuse the word ‘Benjamin’ and buy a bag of coke with my twenties just so I could use my hundo as a straw.



11. An angel appears out of Heaven and offers you a lifetime supply of the alcoholic beverage of your choice. It is...?

Rolling Rock.

Screech Has A Sex Tape

Barf.

According to sfgate.com:

"Former teen TV star Dustin Diamond is reportedly the star of a candid new sex tape in which he romps with two women.

The 29-year-old, who played geek Screech Powers in 'Saved By the Bell,' engages in a number of sexual acts with the women in the 40-minute tape.

Agent David Hans Schmidt has acquired the rights and is currently seeking a distributor for 'Saved By the Smell.'

Schmidt tells the New York Daily News, 'Just when you think you have seen everything in this business, mankind has raised the bar another notch. Or lowered it.'

Diamond's manager Roger Paul hopes the tape will raise his client's profile and help resurrect the acting career that collapsed when 'Saved By the Bell' ended in 1997.

He says, 'I haven't seen the tape. I've heard rumors. Dustin has been trying to escape the Screech typecast. So this may help me get more bookings.'

Diamond will welcome any royalties he gets from the tape -- in June he launched a campaign to save his home from foreclosure, by selling autographed T-shirts on the Internet."

Click the link.
sfgate.com

Christain Radio And Other Musings

I mentioned God in the post below and have a quick little tale about God. I know, I know… that’s not what y’all come here to read. But, fuck it – I am the editor and sole voice of this little page; and this is a case where I have chosen to punish you with my content. I’m feeling very Vonnegut-esque today, who said (in the rough approximation of a quote): “For an atheist, I sure do mention God a lot.” Which is fairly apt for me, although I vacillate between atheism and agnosticism depending on my mood and level of need.

Right. So, I was in cab going to Second City and the driver has on Christian Talk Radio. At least I’m assuming that’s what it was, as they were talking about Christ and it was on the radio. But I could be wrong. I honestly haven’t listened to the radio in years. Maybe this is the new format! Anyway, this woman was on the program and she told this really heart wrenching story about how her husband contracted encephalitis. She said that he was once a big, strong father and support system, etc. and now he’s got this really debilitating disease which has rendered him childlike. It really was a tear jerker. They had little kids and everything.

So I was listening, and I was totally on board. It was like listening to ‘Lifetime.’ But then the tone completely shifted, and it becomes all about God and Jesus – both of whom I have total respect for. This woman and the moderator-guy really just go for it in terms of Jesus’ involvement in the whole thing. I mean: “Jesus caused the encephalitis to teach the family about modesty”, “He tore a strong man down to remind people of the story of Job”, “Jesus did this so the woman could be a better mother and wife”, and so on. Here’s the deal: I know people believe that, and I don’t have a problem with it. But it’s really anthropomorphic, right? Like – I don’t think Jesus is that up in your snatch, and I don’t think he would do all these awful things to you, and when it rains, I don’t think that’s God crying – but hey, I could be wrong. And when I go to hell, I can be pleasantly surprised and exclaim: “It DOES exist and all my friends are here!” I know people need faith, and I know faith gets people through the hardest of times – but here’s where the woman lost me: she said that she was able to get through because “God had faith in her.” Wow. She was speaking for the big man (my God has flowing robes and a long white beard). Like: “Janel… it’s me God. I approve of the job you are doing. Carry on – I have faith in you.”

So there I am, sitting in the back of the cab COMPLETELY rapt. I am so enveloped in this story, that most likely my head was cocked to side as I was craning to hear, and I would imagine I was biting my lip in a contemplative way. I also have the bad habit of smiling a lot. This behavior, of course, was completely misread by my cab driver as religious zeal.

“You a Christian?” he asked, in a heavily accented velvet voice.

What do you say to that?

“Yes.” I say.

“Jesus is everywhere. You know that.”

What do you say to that?

“Yes.” I say. At this point, I am expecting Jesus to appear next to me and shake his finger at me and tell me not to lie like that to nice strangers.

“I believe that my God is everywhere in my life. He is with me when I make money, he is with me in my cab, he is here with us right now,” he says.

So, that’s pretty intense, right?

Suddenly, a biker comes out of nowhere and my cab swerves wildly to miss him!

My driver and I scream at the same time:
Him: IDIOT!
Me: OH MY GOD!

Which I wanted to revise to “Oh Your God” considering the circumstances… but I didn’t.

With a racing heart, I got out the cab and heard “God be with you” over my shoulder. I truly believe that's a nice thing to say to someone, so I turn around and say, “And also with you.” I struggled not to finish it up by offering him the Peace of Lord.

About twenty minutes later I am pretty much smut peddling in the House of the Unholy and for a moment I feel guilty. I wondered if when my cabbie said “God be with you,” I actually took some of that inside with me? I didn’t think about it for very long. Hopefully God thinks that scenes about the sex trade in Indonesia are funny. The scene sells itself on a whole bait and switch that takes place midpoint. You’d laugh… but I don’t know about God.

This story is a simple reminder to me to take public transportation.

Sad News For Rev. Run

This is really sad.

But on a side note - reality TV is so gross. MTV in the delivery room of a premature birth? Weird. Also - I find this kind of creepy: 'Being overwhelmed by grief is the normal state of things, but they recognize that it's all God.' I find it creepy for a myriad of reasons, but mostly becuase it's suggests that there's no cause and effect, and that God is so close to us, he makes all decisions for us based on... whimsy? Or are they based on punishment and behavior rewards? Either way, man... I like my God to keep his distance. That's just how I roll.

Read on:

According to The New York Daily News:

"Rap music pioneer Joseph (Rev. Run) Simmons and his wife, Justine, were coping very publicly yesterday with a personal tragedy - the death of their newborn daughter on Tuesday at Valley Hospital in Ridgewood, N.J.

'I just spoke to Joey and Justine, and they're very strong - the whole family is very strong,' rap mogul Russell Simmons, Joe's older brother, told me yesterday. 'Being overwhelmed by grief is the normal state of things, but they recognize that it's all God. I don't think they're overwhelmed by grief, but they're struggling.'

Apparently a camera crew from their popular MTV reality show, 'Run's House' - which has been renewed for a third season - was in the delivery room when the baby arrived by Cesarean section and died a short time later.

'I'm sure MTV was there,' Russell said, adding that the show will have to deal with the tragedy. An MTV spokeswoman declined to comment.

'On Sept. 26, 2006, Victoria Anne Simmons for some unknown reason chose to come early and unfortunately did not survive,' Joe Simmons, the father of five, said in a statement yesterday after the scoopy celeb Web site TMZ.com first reported the sad event. Justine recently told Jet magazine that the baby was due in October.

'We must accept whatever is there, and once you accept unconditionally, then everything is beautiful,' added Simmons, an ordained minister who E-mails inspirational daily prayers to friends. 'Every pain has a purifying effect. So whatever comes your way, just be thankful. We see life in death and believe in the celebration of life in death.' That was yesterday's E-mailed prayer.

Russell Simmons - who said funeral arrangements were still unclear - discounted TMZ.com's report that the baby emerged with some organs outside the body.

'I don't think that's true,' he told me."

Click the link.
The New York Daily News

Autopsy Reports Indicate Lethal Drug Combo In Daniel Nicole Smith Death

According to ABC News:

"Anna Nicole Smith's 20-year-old son died from a 'classical' combination of methadone and two antidepressant drugs, according to Cyril Wecht, a U.S. pathologist who conducted a private autopsy.

Daniel Smith had methadone, Zoloft and Lexapro in his system, which produced a lethal 'cumulative effect on the central nervous system,' leading to his death on Sept. 10, said Wecht.

'The fact that we have these drugs and the levels of the drugs overwhelmingly and most logically point to this being a tragic, accidental, drug-related death,' Wecht told The Associated Press from his home in the Pittsburgh area.

Zoloft and Lexapro are antidepressants commonly prescribed for patients suffering anxiety and panic disorders.

Methadone, a pain reliever, is also commonly used by people recovering from drug addictions. Wecht told the AP, 'No one has suggested anything having to do with drug addiction in this boy.'"

Well - no one was before - but I am. I am suggesting it.

Click the link.
ABC News

Some Other Guy Actually Wants To Take Credit For Anna Nicole's Baby

According to MSNBC:

"Photographer Larry Birkhead, a former boyfriend of Anna Nicole Smith, tells Us Weekly magazine that, no matter what a national TV audience was told Tuesday night, he’s the real father of the reality TV star’s newborn girl. And he’s seeking a DNA test to prove it."

Click the link.
MSNBC

Questions 6-8: I'm A Big Ole Ho

6. You have the opportunity to sleep with the movie celebrity of your choice. We are talking no-strings-attached sex and it can only happen once. Who is the lucky celebrity of your choice?

Johnny Deep.



7. You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who do you pick?

Robert Plant. Then AND now. He’s mutha-fuckin Robert Plant. I can handle old-man-balls...



8. Now that you've slept with two different people in a row, you seem to be having an excellent day because you just came across a hundred-dollar bill on the sidewalk. Holy shit, a hundred bucks! How are you gonna spend it?

Hookers. I just had sex with two mega-superstars who probably had no interest me who most likely asked me do some pretty weird things. And because I have low self-esteem (and it’s Depp and Plant) I probably did all of it and more. At this point, I’m just feeling so low that I need to go out and degrade others.

The Answers To Questions Two Through Five

2. You can flip a switch that will wipe any band or musical artist out of existence. Which one will it be?

B-52s. I lurve Kate Pierson – but once a B-52s song gets stuck in your head, it’s there FOREVER.



3. Who would you really like to just punch in the face?

Michael Jackson. Wait, in the face, huh? That might be kinda icky-poo on my hands. I’ll still say Michael Jackson if I can do it with gloves on.



4. What is your favorite cheese?

Swiss.


5. You can only have one kind of sandwich. Every sandwich ingredient known to humankind is at your immediate disposal. What kind will you make?

I worked at Jimmy John’s the summer between high school and college – so I make hellified sandwiches. I would have to see said ingredients and let the muse take me to the magical place of sandwich chef-ery.

Question Number One - Are You Stoopid Enough To Post Who You Would Murder And Why?

Actually here's the real question:

1. You can press a button that will make any one person explode. Who would you blow up?

When I get this kind of question, I immediately think ‘It’s a trap! Don’t answer.' Like that quiz on Kirk Cameron’s ‘Way of The Master’ website where they ask you if you’ve followed all the Ten Commandments perfectly. So, I was answering all of the questions honestly, and it turns out that – well, I’m a sinner. (Can you believe they consider having a pervy thought or two as committing adultery? That’s pretty hardcore, right?) So, I was pretty comfortable with the fact that I wasn’t going to nail this test and didn’t mind rolling 0 for 7 (or whatever it was.) But then I get the one about killing someone. You know the one: have you ever killed someone? (By the way – the test considers gossiping as killing someone.) All of a sudden, I had this Minority Report moment, and thought that if I marked yes, I would immediately hear sirens, and a SWAT team would break down my door. I don’t care what those religious nut-bags say: I haven’t killed anyone. I’ve posted links to pics of Paris Hilton’s beave – but she’s still alive, is she not? Gossip is murder, my ass. I happily checked NO. I was 1 and 9 that day sinful day.

So – yeah – back to the question: who would I blow up? Not answering. My big mouth has gotten me into a lot of trouble, and I have no doubt that certain associations of mine have peaked the interest of the NSA. (Way to go, Jenn – you Leftist Feminist Communist Pinko Reactionary Revolutionary!)

Steigfried: Answering The Questions You Didn't Even Know You Had

All right. So I have been tagged. I didn’t even know what that was – thank Christ for context clues! (Also bow your head and thank Christ for your ever-living soul. Do it. Thanks.)

OK. So I decided: I’m going to do this shit. Why not? Who doesn’t want to know the inner workings of a pseudo-anonymous blogger? Who wouldn’t want to know what I want to eat and who I want to have sex with? So, people – in the interest of sating your voracious desire to know and devour me – I, Steigfried – will get all up in the list of questions. BUT -- I’m not gonna do it like a list. My monkey brain simply will not let me conform to your rules. So suck it and take it piece by piece. *

* You know when I say things like that I am really trying to tell you I love you, right? Phew. Good. It feels so dirty to say: I really like you and appreciate you. I’d rather cover my emotions in a fairly transparent layer of smarm and filth. I'm glad we had this talk - and I'm glad you understand.

Amen.

Don't Have A TV, Magazine, Book Or Film Collection? No Worries! Now You Can Get Oprah On The Radio. PHEW!

Oprah -- I don't get it. I don't get why she's so popular. She does absolutely nothing for me - and I find her - dare I disturb the Church of Oprah - pompous and boring. Her very name conjures the word 'trite.' She was good in 'The Color Purple,' though. So, I'll give her that. This little article (how diminishing) is about how Oprah plans to bring her bland brand to the airwaves. Yay! Now in the afternoon, you can listen to her suck celebrity dick and boss people out of their depression.

According to seattlepi:

"Get ready for Radio Oprah. Talk show queen Oprah Winfrey was launching her own channel, Oprah and Friends, on Monday morning on XM Satellite Radio, with shows hosted by her and a collection of popular personalities from her television show, including her best friend, Gayle King, fitness expert Bob Greene and renowned poet Maya Angelou.

The station will broadcast 24 hours day, with highlights of the shows replayed every weekend.

Guests set for the first few weeks of programming include actresses Annette Bening and Julia Louis-Dreyfus, rocker Jon Bon Jovi, New York Times columnist Tom Friedman and real estate mogul Donald Trump. Winfrey will co-host a show with King, dubbed 'The Oprah and Gayle Show,' on which they discuss the latest news and gossip. The two have known each other for 30 years."

Click the link.
seattlepi

Author Fantasia Was 'Functionally Illiterate'

According to EOnline:

"Fantasia Barrino's life pre-American Idol may not have been a fairy tale, but according to her father, the book about her life includes some parts that are pure fiction.

The American Idol winner's dad, Joseph Barrino, sued publisher Simon & Schuster for $10 million Tuesday, alleging that the 2005 memoir Fantasia: Life Is Not a Fairytale contains 'false, exaggerated, sensational, intentional and malicious untruths.'

Joe Barrino, a truck driver and a musician himself, is claiming that, although his daughter is listed as the book's author, it was the singer's grandmother, pastor Addie Collins, who actually penned the story. The details that granny supposedly fudged include a description of Joe Barrino as being hostile to the music industry, a part where he asks his daughter for money, and the suggestion that his children's music careers were more important to him than their education. (Fantasia has three brothers and their parents, Joe and Diane, are still married.)

In Life Is Not a Fairytale, which was recently made into a Lifetime biopic starring the author-on-record herself, Barrino provides a first-person account of her life, from her poverty-stricken upbringing in North Carolina to becoming a single mother at 17 to winning the Idol crown in 2004. She discusses being raped as a teenager by a high school classmate and also discloses that she was functionally illiterate, memorizing the songs that she was scheduled to perform by ear, rather than by reading the lyrics, and improvising her way through some of Idol's scripted portions."

Click the link.
EOnline

How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria?

Give her an award, bitches!

Sing it: High on a hill lived a lonely goat herd(er)... lay-dee-oh-dee-lay-dee-oh-dee-lay-hee-hee!

According to Reuters:

"The Screen Actors Guild on Monday said it will give Dame Julie Andrews, star of 'The Sound of Music,' its Life Achievement Award when it hands out its annual acting honors next January 28."

Click the link.
Reuters

Emma Watson May Pull Out Of 'Potter'

According to filmforce.ign.com:

"Emma Watson, who portrays Hermione Granger in the Harry Potter films, has not yet committed to starring in the last two installments of Warner Bros.' mega-franchise. And she doesn't seem overly eager to do so.

'I don't know yet,' Watson told Newsweek when asked about returning for the sixth film, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. 'Every film is such a huge production, and it's a long time.' Unlike her co-stars Daniel Radcliffe and Rupert Grint, the sixteen year-old actress isn't even sure if she wants to keep acting.

Potter producer David Heyman said losing Watson 'would be a hard thing to change and it would be disrupting ... but ultimately (the films' young stars) have to do what's right for them. This is their lives.' But he added, 'I'm cautiously optimistic that it will work itself out.'"

Click the link.
filmforce.ign.com

Steven Tyler Has Hep C, Betcha He Got It From Pam Andy

Well, either Pam Andy - or dirty heroin needles. Or some dirty skank who actually agreed to bareback the Steven Tyler Highway of Shame. Ok... so there are some options. Either way - he has it, and it nearly killed him.

According to Billboard:

"Steven Tyler has revealed he was diagnosed with hepatitis C three years ago after having the illness for a long time without any symptoms. In an interview to air today (Sept. 26) on 'Access Hollywood,' the 58-year-old Aerosmith frontman said the infection was now 'nonexistent' in his bloodstream after 11 months of treatment, including the drug Interferon.

'I've been pretty quiet about this,' Tyler was quoted as saying. 'I've had hepatitis C for a long time, asymptomatic. And I talked to my doctor ... and he said now is the time and it's 11 months of chemotherapy. So I went on that and it about killed me.'

Hepatitis C is a liver disease spread by contact with the blood of an infected person, according to the Web site for the Centers for Disease Control, which recommends testing for intravenous drug users and transfusion recipients, among others. According to 2004 estimates by the CDC, 3.2 million people have the chronic infection."

Click the link.
Billboard

Paris Hilton Officially Charged With Driving Tipsy

According to Chicago Sun Times:

"Singer/actress/heiress Paris Hilton can now add another title to her resume: defendant.

Hilton was charged Tuesday with driving under the influence and scheduled to be arraigned Thursday in Superior Court on charges of driving with a blood-alcohol level of 0.08 percent, said Nick Velasquez, a spokesman for city prosecutors.

Hilton is not required to appear at the arraignment, Velasquez said.

The 25-year-old was arrested Sept. 7. Police said her blood-alcohol level was 0.08 percent, the minimum to warrant an arrest.

If convicted, Hilton could be sentenced to six months in jail and fined $1,000. The minimum penalty for a first-time offender is a fine, probation and alcohol-rehabilitation program."

Click the link.
Chicago Sun Times

Anna Nicole's Lawyer Is Her Babydaddy

According to Page Six:

"Anna Nicole Smith's longtime lawyer and confidante, Howard K. Stern, said on Larry King Live Tuesday night that he is the "proud father" of Smith's newborn daughter, calling her the one "ray of hope" in their lives since the sudden death Sept. 10 of the TrimSpa spokeswoman's son, Daniel.

They have since named their baby girl Dannie Lynn Hope, Stern told King via a video feed. 'Right now we have to somehow get through what we're going through, and I'll tell you, our baby is the one ray of hope.'

Which may come as a surprise to Smith's ex-boyfriend, photographer Larry Birkhead, who told Entertainment Tonight last week that he believes in his heart that he is the baby's father, although he learned of Dannie's birth--and Daniel's death--from media reports. He said that he blames Smith's entourage--including Stern, presumably--for keeping him out of the loop."

Click the link.
Page Six

Paris Hilton Is Dumb And Joe Francis Is Gross

According to Page Six:

"IN an understatement of the ages, Paris Hilton told Los Angeles cops she's not the brightest bulb in Hollywood's chandelier.

The heir head told investigators probing the home-invasion robbery of 'Girls Gone Wild' producer Joe Francis that she's not a reliable witness.

'Like I really . . . I don't remember. I'm not like that smart,' Hilton said in police audio tapes set to air on 'Dateline NBC' on Saturday night.

LAPD Detective Steve Koman and Deputy DA Hoon Chun were asking Hilton to remember what she told Francis at a party shortly after the 'Girls' mastermind was victimized on Jan. 24, 2004.

Francis passed on Paris' information to cops, who eventually busted Darnell Riley. But when investigators pressed Hilton to recall her talk with Francis, she didn't remember much, The Post's David K. Li reports.

'I like forget stuff all the time,' she said.

Koman, however, jumped to Paris' defense and encouraged her to think again.

'Don't cut yourself short,' he said in the 'Dateline' tapes.

Hilton also told cops 'private tapes' were stolen from her home - and that a mysterious caller wanted money for the hot goods.

'They . . . wanted money. They were tryin' to sell it to like a newspaper or something,' said Hilton, who balked at paying - and chalked it up to advice from dear old Dad.

'So if you pay somebody, then you're gonna be paying for the rest of your life,' Hilton said. 'My dad always taught me. They'll keep the tape anyway.'

Riley pleaded guilty to residential burglary and attempted extortion in the Francis attack. He was sentenced to more than 10 years in prison

In a pretrial hearing, prosecutors showed video that Riley himself took of the home invasion. Francis was tied up, had his pants pulled down and was taunted with a phallic sex toy. 'Dateline' captured this footage but has no plans to air it.

During the attack, Francis was forced to tell the cameraman he enjoyed gay sex.

'That just is ridiculous to me,' Francis told 'Dateline.' 'That somebody's gonna think the owner of 'Girls Gone Wild' is gay? I would have said anything with a gun to my head.'"

Click the link.
Page Six

My Grandma Ruth Died

FUCKkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

Britney Names The Baby Sutton Pierce

According to rte.ie:

"Pop singer Britney Spears and her husband Kevin Federline have reportedly chosen a name for their newborn son.

According to People magazine, Spears, who gave birth last week at a Los Angeles hospital, has chosen the name Sutton Pierce for her second son.

The baby will now have the same initials as his older brother Sean Preston, who turned one-year-old last week."

Click the link.
rte.ie

Blowhan Makes Fifth Trip Of '06 To The Hospital

According to Life Style Extra:

"Lindsay Lohan had to be rushed to hospital after fracturing her wrist.

The 'Mean Girls' star was injured after slipping and falling while partying with friends at a Fashion week party at the Milk Studios, in New York, on Friday (15.09.06).

Lindsay's publicist, Leslie Sloane Zelnik, said there would be a 'formal investigation' into what happened. Zelnik claims the venue 'didn't take proper measures to prevent slips on the slick ground.'

Meanwhile, Lindsay reportedly had a furious bust up with her mother Dina at her mum's 60th birthday celebration at New York's lavish Phillipe restaurant on Thursday (14.09.06).

According to onlookers, Lindsay told her mum to 'go to hell' and sttormed out leaving Dina 'crying and shaking.'"

Click the link.
Life Style Extra

Anne Heche Is Rude (And Crazy)

Have you read Anne Heche's tremendous book 'Call Me Crazy?'

According to Page Six:

"[Sightings] ANNE Heche on an Alaska Airline flight to L.A. making enemies who described her as 'rude' and 'obnoxious.'"

Click the link.
Page Six

That Singer From That Douchey Band Is A Drunk Asshole

According to Page Six:

"A COUPLE was scared witless in Las Vegas when former 'Extra' correspondent and Sugar Ray frontman Mark McGrath barged into their hotel room at the Four Seasons in the middle of the night over Labor Day weekend. According to our spy: 'The couple woke up to a very wasted [McGrath] in their suite yelling at them to get out of his room.' Turns out McGrath had blearily lost his key and forgotten his room number, and the hapless clerk at the front desk mistakenly gave him the key to the wrong room. The couple was comped for their entire stay due to the mix-up. A rep for McGrath confirmed the events, adding, 'Mark did not get his room comped, though.'"

Click the link.
Page Six

Simple Hooch Blind Vice

Page Six asks:

"WHICH new girlfriend of a recently divorced sports star was overheard complaining that her giant of an athlete was far from gigantic below the waist? But she thinks that all the press about their romance will really jump-start her 'music' career."

Click the link.
Page Six

Ivana Trump Blind Vice

Page Six asks:

"WHICH famous tycoon's ex-wife keeps getting 'exhausted'? Every few months, she checks into the Passages of Malibu rehab center for a 'rest.'"

Click the link.
Page Six

Princess Di's Butler Blind Vice

According to Page Six:

"WHICH former butler should stop writing about past employers and start chronicling his own adventures? A New York gay blade is telling friends he had a hotel-room tryst with the married father two years ago."

Click the link.
Page Six

Liza And Judy (OOPS! I mean Lindsay And Dina) Get In A Screaming Match At Phillipe

According to Page Six:

"LINDSAY Lohan got into a screaming match with her mother, Dina, in an Upper East Side restaurant, told her to 'go to hell' and stormed off, leaving the older woman in tears.

On Thursday night, Lindsay reluctantly joined Dina for Dina's birthday celebration at Phillipe on East 60th Street.

'Lindsay got a call from her mother telling her to come to the party,' said a spy. 'Lindsay didn't want to go, because her mother was drinking already, but she went anyway.'

All was well until the first course arrived.

'When Lindsay got there, her mother and her four friends were into their second bottle of Cristal,' said a restaurantgoer. 'Right after the first course, they started fighting.'

The two began cursing each other in front of other patrons in the crowded Chinese eatery, including Ryan Cabrera, Brandy and Serena Williams at nearby tables. 'A mortified' Lindsay finally told her mother to 'go to hell!' before she exited. After Lindsay left, Dina started 'crying and shaking . . . Dina typed vigorously on her BlackBerry for 45 minutes while her friends were just sitting there, and when the birthday cake came out, she broke out crying again - even louder."'

The unhappy birthday girl - who calls herself the 'white Oprah' - also made 'five trips to the bathroom in 90 minutes and came back to the table sniffling each time,' said our witness.

The tired and emotional Dina was so distraught that she started 'throwing fortune cookies at the waiters and flipping them off.' Finally, after four hours of partying, the $2,000 bill was paid - with no tip for the waiters, who then 'had to help her out of the restaurant as it closed down for the night.'

Lindsay, meanwhile, seemed to be on her best behavior at the Calvin Klein party at 7 World Trade Center, though she seemed upset by her mom's meltdown. Lindsay was spotted in tears at one point as she mingled with Drew Barrymore, Maggie Gyllenhaal, Mischa Barton, Margherita Missoni and Carine Roitfeld.

Later, having calmed down, she ended the night among friends at Bungalow 8.

A spokesman for Lohan had no comment."

Click the link.
Page Six

How Do You Win A Debate? Call Someone A 'Classless Little Fat Ass.'

According to Page Six:

"WELL, at least the Dixie Chicks have the Canadians on their side. After Tuesday's premiere of Barbara Koppel's documentary about the Chicks, 'Shut Up and Sing' - which is about how their fans revolted after Natalie Maines bashed President Bush two years ago - Toronto Film Festival managing director Michelle Maheux said, 'This country would never allow something like this to happen.' While the Canadian crowd ate up the movie, conservatives were riled up again - specifically with lead singer Maines, who calls President Bush a 'dumb [bleep]' in the film. 'What a fascist little bee-atch!' said one angry post on the FreeRepublic.com blog. Another called the group 'the Dixie Sluts,' and a third described Maines as a 'classless little fat ass.' The flick screens at the Woodstock Film Festival next month."

Click the link.
Page Six

Whitney Houston Says 'Hell To The No' To Bobby Brown

According to Page Six:

"WHITNEY Houston has finally left her husband of 14 years, Bobby Brown. Houston filed for separation from Brown - who is rumored to be having an affair with Karrine 'Superhead' Steffans - last Friday, according to 'Access Hollywood.' In other good news, Houston's last trip to rehab seems to have worked and the diva is actually staying straight."

Click the link.
Page Six

Dr. Laura Is An Asshole (Duh)

According to Page Six:

"THE hypocrisy of Dr. Laura Schlessinger knows no bounds. Despite the skeletons rattling in her own closet, the acerbic radio gabber slams today's women in a new book, claiming the typical American female is a slut. 'Men see women as sex objects when women act like unpaid whores . . .'

Schlessinger writes in 'The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage,' due from HarperCollins in January: 'Now it is difficult to find the male who values virginity, purity and innocence when females dress like babes and perform oral sex and intercourse without even having to be fed dinner . . . Who cares about vows - after all, why buy the cow when the milk is free.'

Schlessinger's tirade may seem contradictory to some considering her own past behavior. In the mid 1970s, when she was in her early 20s, Schlessinger posed nude for a boyfriend, the late radio talk-show host Bill Ballance, who years later posted the full-frontal shots on the Internet. And soon after, she started seeing a married California doctor with three kids who subsequently left his wife for the homewrecker.

The therapist, now 59, also spanks wives who complain about their husbands being too horny, 'as if being desired were some kind of intrusion or insult . . . Get over yourselves and get under your men (although most men enjoy their women on top, too)! If you don't, when the kids are up and out, he'll likely be with them.'

She adds that one key to a good marriage is for couples to be kind to their own families. 'It is amazing to me how many people treat absolute strangers with more courtesy, kindness and sensitivity than their own spouses and families,' she complains. Yet for years, Schlessinger was estranged from her now-deceased mom and she remains estranged from her sister.

It's unlikely Schlessinger will be bothered by any criticism, as she's been in the frying pan plenty of times for past remarks. The gay community once ripped her for calling homosexuality a 'biological error.'"

Click the link.
Page Six

Fragile Mary-Kate Olsen Acts Like A Hooch To Keep Her Man

According to Page Six:

"MARY-KATE Olsen has been the victim of man-stealers in the past. (She lost Stavros Niarchos to Paris Hilton, who then lost him to Lindsay Lohan.) But she kept a tight grip on her new, unidentified 'rocker-type' beau Thursday night when she and sister Ashley hung out at Bungalow 8. When the Richards sisters, Theodora and Alexandra, arrived and Alexandra started flirting with Mary-Kate's man, the tiny twin 'got into a huge fight with Alexandra and totally told her off,' one witness said. 'After the fight, Olsen and the rocker guy started full-on making out in a territorial 'this is my man' way.'"

Click the link.
Page Six

Poker Blind Vice

Page Six asks:

"WHICH two young male movie stars are making enemies because of the way they play poker? There's no proof yet, but other players at their high-stakes games - where wins, or losses, can reach six figures - have noticed the two seem to be working together, using subtle signals to team up on opponents."

Click the link.
Page Six

Lindsay Lohan - Scarlett Jo Blind Vice

According to Page Six:

"WHICH young actress is jealous of a leading lady of the same tender age who is getting better parts? (They also both had sex with Jared Leto.) While visiting a friend's house, the jealous actress spotted a DVD of a movie starring her rival, ripped open the box, threw the disk on the floor and stomped on it."

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Gorgeous Nicole Kidman Brings Out The Worst In People

According to Page Six:

"Kidman nearby. Filming on 'His Dark Materials: The Golden Compass' was held up inside an apartment building in Rome recently after money-grubbing tenants demanded a higher fee for their cooperation at the last minute when they realized Kidman was involved in the unnamed movie. 'If it's her, they're going to have to pay us more,' one man told Italy's Corriere della Sera newspaper. Kidman was forced to wait in her trailer on Rome's historic Via Vespucci while negotiations went on. In the end, the avaricious apartment dwellers got $32,000, more than four times the original fee."

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